I feel empty, yet full; a diary from August

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Whenever I look up “I feel empty”, I’m immediately told that I’m struggling with depression. Ho ho ho, thank you Captain Obvious. It’s not as if I don’t know that is what I’m constantly struggling with. Still, can someone explain to me why I feel empty even though I’m quite content where I am?

It’s like a strange void in my life, and my heart that can’t be filled by self-love or love from family and friends. It’s just an emptiness that’ll forever exist, and it’s eating me up little by little. At least, that’s what I think. I think that this black hole is consuming me. It comes in waves, sporadic and constant all the same. It crashes into me, knocking the wind out of me each and every time.

I’m at a loss as to what I can even call it. It’s just there, lingering and waiting to ebb in and out. And I think, most times, I’m not even sure it’s here. It blends in so well with what I’ve dubbed as “normal”.

What is normal in 2021?

What is normal to Roxanne in 2021?

I don’t know. I’m not sure. It’s not as if I have the answer to everything, but this is one thing where I feel as though an answer is important– useful!

Nothing has changed in the workings of my mind.

I’m still as sane as I was when I was 28. I’m not where 23-year-old me stood. But I’m 29 now and somehow the emptiness has just solidified its place in the way my life normally functions.

Also, my fortune plant is dying, and I’ve had the ‘to-do’ task to top off the soil and get filtered water for it for the last month.

Am I spiraling without even knowing?

Or am I really still standing where I stood before COVID?

I don’t know.

And I’m okay with it all.

I feel empty, yet full, and I don’t know if I should be. These days, I can’t name my own emotions.

But I’ve started to keep an array of pothos by the window.

Maybe, I’ve set things upright again?