Seriously, asking for a friend- how to deal when you’ve become hyperaware?
No one walks you through the ins and outs of your traumas, but we all need a friend or two who’s there when we eventually stumble about.
When I was 23 years old, I was studying to become a game designer. It was a path that presented itself as an open window when doors suddenly got stuck. My parents felt I had that one option left when I flunked out of college—. Either that or I get shipped out of the country like a bag of Hershey’s Milk Chocolate bars. 🍫 It’s not exactly how I’d want to be treated as their daughter, but hey, we’re dealt with our cards.
I ended up in a tough spot with not many choices available. I’d been there for years, wondering what I could have seen if I had just turned around. “What if” scenarios are more places I could get stuck in. Anyway, I found myself stranded there for quite a while.
Knowing what’s bad for you doesn’t help; it just means you’re hyperaware.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with hyperawareness as I’ve profited many times from that personality. Nevertheless, knowing and motivation are two separate concepts that not everyone can combine. For example, I knew coffee was bad for me at 23, but I had no reason other than it was unhealthy as a reason to quit drinking. Contrary, I frequently felt inspirited by coffee. You have a plethora of -holics (pun intended for xxxHolic the anime) when you replace “coffee” with other poisons.
Hyperawareness is the reason why I dropped out of college. As soon as I realized I was discontent, unhappy, suicidal, and lost, I couldn’t forget it. Once I gave it a name, I thought I could get better.
Although I was ready, my surroundings were not. People I have contact with day to day mocked me and belittled the emotions I couldn’t understand until I started to numb away. And when that happened, other people started behaving as though I was wrong to have shut down. I made an effort to express myself but received criticism for being overly emotional. In the end, I closed the doors again.
Knowing what people want or accept in their little worlds has made my world disappear, and as much as I’d like to recreate it, I just don’t think it’s worth saving.
And I think that’s why therapy just didn’t work.
She wanted me to care, but I couldn’t.
How do you open doors you’ve closed?
I don’t have an answer to this question. I find myself in a challenging situation, torn between difficult choices and unable to focus on finding practical solutions. Rather than wasting time on unrealistic fantasies, I need to prioritize taking action to escape this miserable predicament.
Let’s rephrase being hyperaware. What can I do to stop paralyzing myself from moving, and making a choice, whether it’s right or wrong?
I don’t know.
I haven’t figured it out.
That’s how the journey usually is. Sometimes, we rest somewhere (for too long) before we continue on.