The voices in my head; a diary from a year ago

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When I was growing up, I struggled to quell the numbing and grating voices in my head. I thought I had outgrown whatever that was, but lately, I’ve been hearing them again.

August 2021.

The strange voices in my head can’t exactly be described as being heard. It’s all in my head, and I’m painfully aware of their existence as just voices in my head. I’ve gotten them twice just this year and once last year.

And just a disclaimer… I don’t think I’m going crazy.

Just the fact that I can distinguish them from real voices tells me that I’m still quite sane. At least, for the most part.

What are the voices like in my head?

They’re kind of mean and overbearing. And they don’t come off clear. They’re numbing and sort of have this rubberband-y feel whenever they come to mind. I have always felt uncomfortable with them, but much more so now that I’m older.

For one, the first time it returned, they were very mean to me and made me cry. They were such bullies. The other two times this year have been quieter because I have learned to shut them down.

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As you may know, I’m the type of person who gets vivid and lucid dreams together, constantly. So, it wasn’t that difficult to teach my brain not to pay attention to those voices. It’s tougher to learn, but still important for me.

How do the voices in my head feel?

As I mentioned, the voices are grating and have a rubberband-y feel as if it’s stretching my brain. I usually have a headache that follows as soon as the voices start. And as much as it’s stretching my brain, it also feels like it’s squishing it, hence the headache.

I did, for some time, felt like I was going a bit crazy which isn’t that far off but also, I feel it’s a symptom of my depression. I haven’t been super productive and because of this, my brain is probably sending signals of inadequacy to my mind.

Here I am using mind and brain interchangeably.

But I just basically mean my neural system is sending me signals and dictating how my brain functions. And then making my mind go off the rails.

The point?

The lesson?

I just wanted to get it out of my head, this thing I’ve been dealing with. I don’t really have a way to properly deal with it right now. I’m just kind of filling my mind with other things but by doing that, I am also giving myself the trouble of overthinking. So no win here yet. Hopefully, over time it will either go away or I find a suitable solution to the issue.

I’ve also been switching between insomnia and hypersomnia. This situation of reappearing voices messing with me isn’t helping at all.

… Amongst other things.

Ever been through something similar?

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