feeling undetermined | a saga this april


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This hasn’t happened in a long time in a way that I felt I needed to write about but I am feeling undetermined.

📸 by Min An from Pexels

For the month of April, I’m stepping away from the usual ‘Monthly Newsletter’ format to be more candid.

It’s been quite a long time since I’ve felt unmotivated to do anything. I just want to lie in bed and not be awake which is saying a lot considering how far I’ve come with my depression in the last four years.

I can’t even manage to get this piece out. But I have been writing about my journey since I started as a way to help me analyze and understand myself. So, I am pushing myself to continue to do this now.

le voyage.

If you want to read some old writings- blog posts and poetry about my personal journey to healthier mental health, go ahead and check out my old blog.

Or you can check out my newer insights which I’ve shared here.

I haven’t changed much but I like to think that I’ve grown and see the world differently.

It may be a fun journey to read my old posts and then read the newer ones.

Which, sidetrack, I am still trying to retrieve posts from when my site crashed. :/

And honestly…

I think it’s very important to be frank about what is happening to yourself with yourself.

Though I don’t really know exactly why I feel this way, I do know that I feel off enough to be concerned about it. And I’ve talked about how to go about life if something like this happened on multiple occasions.

I have go-to’s and tactics to help me identify the issue.

But like how it’s been for the past half year… dare I say almost a year, it’s been quite… well… ambiguous. This hollow-like feeling within myself has been empty-ish throughout the past year on certain occasions. I tried to fill it with excitement and projects. Art and stories I genuinely enjoy. Still, a part of me remained unfulfilled.

I have things I look forward to but can’t manage to get up from my bed to actually tackle them.

And as much as I’d like to say that my usual tactics are working, they are not.


There is one thing that has changed in my life in the last half-year that I feel plays a truly big part in this depressive state that I am in. That is, I stopped meditating and exercising.

I need to be accountable for my personally prescribed medicine of physical therapy.

A totally not easy feat for someone feeling as undetermined as I am currently. Also, not like I can actually enjoy the outdoors these days (not that I ever did but my old office set up had a great view of the outdoors as city-looking as it was) which is a better view than what I have now, ie. my neighbors window.

But here’s a photo from when I was able to get a whiff of fresh air in a protected wetland where I live.

I plan to do a video and post for ‘June Captures’ about this in the future.

📸 by me

May will be a busy time for me as I tackle Mermay like I did last year. (Which I did successfully if I may add. I had a lot of fun learning from that art challenge.)

red goldfish mermaid

a piece from last year

prompt i’m going to use

While I focus on juggling so many things with my small hands and probably internally stressing about them only to later admit that I can’t be spreading myself thin, I will also attempt to get back to yoga, meditation, tai chi- basically my exercise routine which helped me feel good about myself.

To be able to get through this undetermined feeling, I will document my journey as I used to in a consistent manner. And with the hope that sharing my thoughts and my feelings help with realigning myself, I leave you guys with this thought from the ‘me’ a couple years back:

Growing up is accepting that not all things will remain the same while maturing is knowing that change will happen.

PS! As I update about my personal journey here, I will also be making posts about Mermay on Patreon. And if you want to help a girl out cause my fan stand recently broke, consider becoming a Dearie for as low as a $1 a month. Or can I redirect you to my commission’s page: Commission Shop .

Things that happened this past month.

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