Everyone has moments when they just want to retreat from anyone and everyone who make them feel less than they should be. I get a lot of those days and I deal with it. I think I’ve gotten better at it through these few years. I’m not perfect at it but I can say that I do better than most now. I wasn’t always able to get mad, calm down, and return admitting I made some mistakes. In the household I grew up in, pride was often the thing we lived by and prejudices were ingrained in our bones. For a very long time, far longer than I would like to admit, I lived thinking I was better than most and I could do no wrong. Obviously, when the facade crumbled, I crumbled with it. I’ve already talked about this many times and different ways. So, let’s start after Ginger passed away. I had difficulty returning to my work after she’d passed. I didn’t know how big her part was in my life until I watched her fade away and leave us forever. I used to have someone sit beside me or on my lap to watch the cars pass by from the window of my room. Now, it’s only me again. The magnolia tree that used to grow in front of my room has passed too from a disease it couldn’t fight. Things end and things begin. My art career took a halt. My eldest sister was set to get married on the 16th of June this year. We mourned and then we got busy. The wheel kept moving for everything else in my life. I woke up. I slept. I watched a lot of TV and listened to music. Sometimes I took naps. More often, I couldn’t sleep until my insomnia took the better of me. I felt sad a lot of the days but not knowing that I was. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t return to work. So I just didn’t. When May hit, we were an inch away from scrambling around and getting the wedding set. June came. My cousins and aunt came. It was hectic. I lost a lot of days to forgettable memories. I lost track of time but also felt the restless moments. I couldn’t get away from crowds of people. I couldn’t recharge and as you know of me, I needed it. I needed it badly, so badly that I had a moment of toxicity I couldn’t return from. I’ll tell that story another time. When the day of the wedding dawned on us, I was all nerves. Things weren’t finished. We were scrambling. I honestly can’t even remember if I enjoyed the wedding because the staff was us, my family. I was always up on my feet doing this and that. I got indigestion then my menstruation. Too much? Like I said, I was all nerves and stress. All I could truly remember from the wedding were:
- a boy who looked cute but was waaay too young
- I asked my friends to buy me Pepto Bismol
- Then scavenged for painkillers for my cramps
- Making sure the wedding flowed smoothly- even the photographer started to rely on me.
- Cleaning up after everything in a speed of light.