Poem 49

Dear Mom, I’ve been thinking real hard since the day I turned four of who I want to be and the reason for my wants. I never thought that I’d have to be an older sister even before I could understand the meaning of love. It never came to mind that I had to be better, bolder and tougher than who I was already. I guess, I just didn’t know then, that even with your hard work, I’d make mistakes that bury you in tears. I had no idea that my childhood years would be lived with fun and laughter that burried my insecurities. That my time in grade school, junior high and high school was to prepare me, for the obstacles of when I’ve become an adult. If I had known, I would have made more wrong decisions because as a child, maybe you could forgive me. Now I’m too scared to even look you in the eye, too ashamed of myself for turning out the way that I have. It didn’t come to mind that my written plans could crumble. That I’d start to slip away from your ideals and my fantasy of perfection. But I hope one day, you’ll understand where I’m coming from when I tell you, I need this, I need them to keep me grounded, to keep me sane when tears drop like rain, when days become too hard, and breathing, impossible. I really wish you’d see that your youngest girl has always found living to be a hassle, but when I’m with them I’m filled with reasons, reasons to keep fighting and moving forward like I always have. And I’m sorry, for everything that hurt you, and all the disappointment that you had to put up with. For once in my life, I’m following my heart.

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