Personal Updates Poems

Poem 47 + sins

Red Wine

My face was red from the embarrassment, of having to hold the glass of wine and answer questions I had no clue about. Maybe I’d been flushed, drunk and out of my mind during such a crucial time. But it felt hot in that big room, I was burning from head to toe as I tried to rack my brain. I licked my very dry lips to buy myself some time, some undeserved reservation. The chandelier felt like a heat lamp set to warm a cold-blooded reptile like the snake that I thought I was. It’s not for them, at first they’d say, but turn around as I would leave to tell others, they’d given so much. I knew, I had always known, that all that giving was just taking in a nasty, hypocritical disguise. I felt like I was interrogated by their judging eyes and that fact alone should have said it all. It should have all been me, all about me, and who I’d be not for you, them, but for myself. But even as I speak, and hug myself away, I’m too lost now. They asked me what I liked, but all I see are disapproval that forces me to hide. I have so much to say with so few words and given too little a time to even scratch the surface of it all. I was dying from the disappointment of holding your glass of wine and trying to live up to your ideals.

Sins

I’ve been thinking, maybe I should have done this for my 100th post. This is personal, as do the other things I’ve written. But this one… this one hits home in a lot of aspects: my father complex, my identity crisis that I often have, family issues, self-doubt that began when I was in high school, the days when I used to cut… it touches so much of the pain that’s stuck in my heart. As you all have read before, I’ve been in quite a slump and I can’t seem to get out of it. I’ve lied so much that I’m no longer sure how I really feel. To family, I look fine and dandy. To friends, I’m tired, but hanging on. I think, in reality though, I’m lost my way. I can’t get my bearings. The successful 7 quarters are now about to crumble because of one mistake during my 8th quarter because it’s snowballed that much. I’m about to have a summer vacation and today’s my last final for the quarter, but I feel like I’m still so far from vacation. I feel like breaking down because I’ve worked so hard. I think the hardest part of what I’m going through is that I’m not sure about anything. I don’t know where I’m going or why I even took this path. My dream was to be a painter. As a child, I knew I couldn’t be that because I had to share the load, to share the burden of helping family in a different country. I was to help because I have privileges that they don’t. The way I see it though, from how life has been for them, I’m shackled and they run free. They make even more stupid decisions and I feel like I have to pay for that on top of my own stupid mistakes. Probably, I’m thinking too much. It happens often, but until I get those grades, I won’t have peace of mind. And even then, I don’t think I’d be able to take it. Life sucks when there’s no reason to keep trying.

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2 Comments

  1. Oh Vela, you are such an amazing writer.
    This post really hit home for me. I too share many of the same worries, issues, and doubts that you bear. I too have issues with a ‘father complex’ due to complicated issues with an absentee father. And I know it is hard sometimes to see the point of living through it all.
    But know that you are not alone and that there is always a reason to live. You will find your own happiness someday not the forced path you have come to know and hate. You need no one’s approval but your own – love yourself and nothing can hurt you. Keep fighting, darling. You’ll get there. <3

    1. Thanks so much for your words of comfort. It’s always nice to know I’m not the only one with such problems.

      I’m pretty aware that I’m not alone, that there are plenty of reasons to live and that all I need is my own permission. It’s difficult though, to apply that knowledge to the everyday. I hope that I do get ‘there’ someday though. Someday.

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