Poem 36

dedicated to all the men that have broken my heart and taught me how to sew my life back together again, to the man who first held me like he held his last love, to the man that i learned to love like a brother, to the men who i let turn my world upside down, to the man i had fallen for, and to the man who gave meaning to my favorite quote: “How some people can ache for an almost.” – bex chan


bus stop

at the end of the street was the bus leading down memory lane
i took it all day long and slept through the scenes
they played in my head like memories of just yesterday. and i
got lost in the romanticism of my own narration, not knowing
that it was my own voice that sang the stories of life.

not even a block away, i saw him
he stood tall with hands gruffly stuffed in the pockets of his pants
and he sauntered in without even a quick hello
sat himself down at the very front seat
but just like he had entered, he was gone on the next stop
he didn’t look back, not even a glance like i hadn’t even been there

not existing.

the bus driver said nothing to him
kept driving on with only one passenger seated at the back
and i was lonely, so alone and in the company of sadness
of the longing to love and most of all, to be loved

and we didn’t stop, not after we had left him
we kept going and going and going for the end of the city
where my life had been before it hadn’t, and i saw him
he hadn’t change one bit as if time had seized
just for him, and he alone remained childlike –¬†innocent
i didn’t think he would enter because he never would have in this life
gotten on the bus that drove a different path, but he too
was there, standing so comfortably and familiarly together
like a blinding billboard in the freeway

and there they stayed for quite some time
keeping company the once lone lonely maiden in the bus
making me laugh like the old times hadn’t disappeared
as if the ripped parts of my heart hadn’t been torn,
never needed skillful patching up.

and they remained even after
he completed the perfect picture of three
i saw the past that broke me to a million pieces
the thing that drove me insane and sane

even when he arrived
with that pink stuff toy that i had stashed far into the depths
of my heart, mentally and physically, they didn’t leave
he laughed with them like old buddies
that’s how men were, they were friendly and the line from strangers to bros
become blurred and completely undefined.

and we drove on
picking up someone i hadn’t seen for quite some time
i lost him a long time ago
to his first love. the person i trusted so easily
broke him the same way i had been broken by the men around me
and we were in good company, the two of us

surrounded by all the “he” that had tugged and pushed
like they were playing a game of tug of war with me
i had never felt more alone that i did then

that was when i realized, it was me who should be blamed
for the embellishments and exaggerations of their kind hearts
i had deluded myself into believing that i could trust in them
place in them the heart that i had always protected

i prayed for the next stop
for them to alight

and as they did, he came into view
the image of me reflected in his eyes, childlike and i found a friend
of solitude, of comfortable quiet stillness. in him
there was innocence that i had long forgotten and now reminded
that i desperately wanted to grasp
i wanted to get off
because he hadn’t gotten on, just simply welcomed the rest
to stand by him in waiting for the next bus to arrive

i leave without choice
and i move on, no one around me safe for the driver
the stranger that was leading me to my very beginning

we passed stop after stop
where many of the “he” i knew looked at me
expectantly, worriedly or rejecting
i felt no home in any of their hollow eyes
the road was long and winding, slopes both high and low
and we didn’t mind the speed, drove without precaution

the driver speaks to me for the first time that day
with a raspy voice full of cobwebs and dust
as if he hadn’t spoken in years, this was our first encounter
i find out that he is a he and he tells me this is his last
and tells me to depart with a kind of dark toothy smile

we reached the almost barren lot safe for the buses
that had long been decommissioned, out of a job
and he was there waiting with a smile i knew too well
with his arms open wide, so familiar and warm
nothing that i had ever truly known. he had a bountiful
of truth and love that i dreamed he shared with me


he was my last stop

3 comments on “Poem 36”

  1. Pingback: the many him in my life. - roxanne adupe

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