looking back

I was looking through some old things that I posted when I was younger (years ago).

Let me be honest by admitting how childish I sounded back then. (Click Here to read some of my old rants.)

There was a particular thing I said about the friends I’ve kept for so long, “there’s nothing in the world I’d rather do than graduate and get the hell away from everyone I’ve known all my life. I’m done. I am so ready,” and after reading it now, I feel incredibly stupid. The friends I desperately wanted to escape from are friends I am so thankful for. I mean, I am so grateful that I wrote each of them letter/s!

I was a child, yes, but I should have known better. I expect myself to know better.

And you know, reading my past blogs, they remind me that I can be such an ass! Okay, read this: “Don’t butt into my business. I blog for the sake of ranting not to read your damn opinion. If I wanted an opinion, I will ask. But I don’t.” A few or more friends used to read my old blog and that was part of a warning I had for them. I sound like a real b*tch. Seriously! I can’t even see myself being like that again. I have so much more restraint over myself and also, I’ve grown since and so that just sounds super ridiculous to me.

Many things happened to me as a teenager that I couldn’t share with friends and family. I was a cutter, for thrill, for the pain but not for death. I crushed on a friend and was heartbroken which lasted for more years than I can admit. I lost a very good friend who I treated like a brother. And then as the years led on, I lost contact with friends who I treated like sisters. It was very tough for me. It still hurts and I still get teary when I think about it. Lastly, I ranted a lot about family. I do that now but the way I did it then was beyond thought. So much hate and simple blaming.

I can’t take it! LOL

The friendship(s) I lost because of a misunderstanding between two of my old closest friends still hits me hard. I sometimes find myself thinking about it and then crying my heart out because they meant so much to me. With one misunderstanding, our friendship fell out.

I’m mentioning this again because I recently got into a tiff with a close friend. I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve apologized for stepping out of line plenty times and even when I ask to see him, he always refuses to see me without actually refusing. I think what sucks about this one is that he won’t even be straightforward with me. I’m at a loss.

Anyway, for the year of 2014, I hope to grow some more as a person and to keep being successful in my studies. I hope to graduate the year after. No specific resolutions.

Happy New Year Readers!

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