Le Voyage

i thought a lot about my life

I thought a lot about my life and where it’s going. I’m wondering if I’m putting energy in the right places- work wise. Some posts ago, I combined my love for art and writing and fell in love with the process/outcome. After random conversations with my brother last month and after ranting to my friends (rant below), I’ve really noticed how much I want to put together my writing and art in the same space.
I’m just going to run an idea/thought… maybe rant a little? After being asked “why”, I’ve been thinking about why I separated my art, my person life, and my writing from each other. Why? Uhmm, well because for a long time I didn’t know what to do with the different aspects of “me”. And when I started my art and writing, there was this big gap between the cutesy and the depressed. LOL. So, instinctively and after some research, I decided it would be best to separate them all. Thinking of it now, there really isn’t a clear line between them anymore. I’ve come to a point in my life where sharing about my depression, what I’ve come to learn, and what I’m still learning coincide greatly with my day to day and therefore translates itself to how I function when it comes to my art… if that makes sense. When I continuously think about it, the more I wish to put them all together in some way. I’ve already somewhat started it by including little bits of “me” to my posts on my artist IG and also starting to include my writing self into my artist YouTube. And I really just think that I would be happier being to able to share everything (but not EVERYTHING… if you get what I mean..)- cause I love art and I love writing but I don’t love one over the other. I enjoy them both and they in turn inspire each other in me. I love telling stories and I love creating images for stories… so, they feel like the right fit BUT whenever I research if it’s a good move, I’m always faced with facts that tell me, cutesy and happy don’t go well with anxiety and depression. And those are really the biggest differences/hurdle I have between my art and my writing- the message. Sighhhh. It would be nice to have them under one name or umbrella but not sure if I can really do that? I don’t know. I mean, there’s still a lot of chances for me to put them together because I’m not well known but I don’t know if it’s a good move in the long run. Like, what if I only feel that way now. What if I’m just being swayed by my brother- which happens a lot because he’s well-spoken. He could be a politician if he tried. So yeah. That’s all. I have a lot of minor/first world problems. Lol.
I love blogging. I love writing about my woes, worries, and success in life. It gives me a sense of comfort, joy, and reassurance. It’s always nice to share stories and to read my pasts. I like seeing how I’ve grown through the years. And the more comfortable I become sharing them through this blog, with friends, and with family, the more I wish I could reach a wider audience. It’s weird to say that. When I wrote Listening to Georgiana. I only thought about getting the words of my struggles onto paper and possibly show it to family and friends who I feel I owe an explanation to- at least to tell them what I went through- er going through. I just want to document my life for me but with art, I’d always wanted to share it, to show people and to ignite some sort of creativity within them. I’ve only started getting there with my writing. Regardless, I’m getting there and I wish they could be together. I don’t like to hide my journey. I like to be honest that I am depressed, that I do struggle, and that in many ways, I don’t function like most people. I think that for a long time, I didn’t want people to identify my art through my experiences in life which is ridiculous because many of my artist inspirations use their life experiences in their art. And even more, the authors I love and imitate do the same. Many times also, those with both professions- both an artist and writer- use their life experiences to their advantage. When I started posting my art and really focusing on the art I like- after I dropped out- I thought that sharing my life with my art was too much. I didn’t anyone to associate my cutesy stuff with my anxieties and depression. Thinking more of it now, I also took away a big chunk of my personality from my art, from the audience my art garners, and it could be argued that I’m not really reaching the right audience. It’s also a bit stifling. At the time, it really made sense to me to separate the two. I wasn’t comfortable sharing. Now that I am, I kind of wish that I could figure out a way to do it. I mean, should I do it? It would be nice. It really would be something I want to happen. Definitely, figuring out a strategy to incorporate them together slowly is something I want to think about. I think, reading the poems was one good way. I don’t know. I still want to publish Listening to Georgiana. under Philomena Anne. I still want to sign my art J. Adupe. I still don’t want to use my real name. My real name doesn’t sound as interesting? lol I mean, it’s nice, I like it but it doesn’t give off the same feeling? as the June or Phil Anne. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me… but that’s important, right? It’s important how I feel? Well that’s all. Just needed to write it all out, I guess.

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