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I’m only attracted.

I haven’t had a crush on a guy for the longest. It’s more like, I find myself attracted to someone. I like watching him.

Every Sunday, at 9:30 in the morning, my family and I would attend the same church I’ve attended since growing up. I know most of the people that go there for I went to school with them. It’s a bit of routine to smile, greet and wave but even though I’ve known of him for more than a decade now, there’s only been one type of exchange between us.

He would look at me and I at him as we cross the street before separating. My family always sat on the balcony seats while he and his father would sit on the first floor. On certain occasions, his brother would be there. With his brother, there was more civility with a smile and hello.

I often wonder how it would be if we had hung out as children, been friends in high school but then I remember the things people have told me. They tell me he’s delved into things my innocent self could never comprehend. He did drugs. He probably smokes. He probably drinks- illegally still since he’s younger than me and I’ve barely turned 21.

Back in high school during our junior years, I saw him walking around with a Geometry textbook. Being me then, I thought, how stupid could you get that you’re barely taking Geometry in your 11th year?

I felt ridiculous that I always found him interesting. I knew we lived so differently, in separate worlds.

You could say, I was a bookworm, a nerd to the bone.

I studied quite often, socialized with the top 10% of my year, took the more difficult path in school and made sure my extracurricular activities would be beneficial to me upon graduating. I was that student.

He, on the other hand, busied himself with parties, maybe. He dealt with people who socialized to the extremities, people who I knew overdosed, got high in school, and drank when they were only minors… he had the type of life I could never consent to. But each year since middle school, I remember always knowing where he was. I could see him. I would look to him, right in his eyes and I would smile, only in my head though. He would look right back with those piercing brown eyes. He often glared or at least it seemed that way.

Even in high school when our paths shouldn’t have crossed, we’d be there on the same road looking at each other as if in waiting.

And even now… after the years of our preteens and adolescence, I still find myself captivated by those eyes. I don’t even know him and he doesn’t even know me but we’ll always know of each other. And we still look at each other, hesitant of everything.

What do you do when something is stopping you from feeling any more than what you already feel? How do you explain to people that all you want is to get to know him? How will society, the society in which I have enveloped myself in, take it? I’ve always wondered how it would feel to be someone he trusted.

I’ve always wanted to get to know him not through other people’s gossips but through my own findings.

What do you do when he’s down there looking for you while your busy looking for him?

They’re only stolen glances and there’s never been anything between us… but it’s these nothings that have gotten me hooked. It doesn’t sound healthy, does it? What should I do? I find myself wondering about him…

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