Friendships can be seriously saddening sometimes. How about that alliteration… Anyway, I get doubts planted and watered in the my head about my friendships because 1. Growing up, friends were manipulative and possessive, 2. They were fake, and 3. They were users, people who only saw me as a tool they can use. So, I get doubts when people get close to me. Even my siblings were like this towards me.
I was just never sure if I could trust in a forever or at least until the summer.
Even to this day friends I’ve had since middle school or hs are people I may call close friends but they’re not people I’d consider close in truth. Does that make sense? I question whether we’re friends and I know it’s partly due to depression but it’s also how I love as a person.
I can give 100% and feel that I’m receiving 60. It doesn’t feel good especially when you’re the type that needs 150 because the extra 50 goes to snuffing out depressive doubts. I’m also a logical person which is why I understand this about myself. I know that my doubts don’t have a place in this matter. I know that my friends are my friends but my logic doesn’t stop me from over thinking. I still do since it’s who I’ve always been. I can’t just stop me from being me so instead I write long rambling blogs trying to justify the existence of my doubts but also to stop myself from having them.
Did any of that even make sense or am I just crazy?