I’m in despair.
I’m forever in a loop of dreaming for everything.
I’m slightly constantly afraid of being stuck with the feeling of “it’s not enough” whether it’s with my art, my writing, my financial status, or my romantic status. Those last two are more of a lack of an actual status as I’m not truly a part of that world. There’s also the “not enough” of nothing ( read minimalistic changes for more info).
No matter how much I build my character, I’m often fluctuating between pride and self-loath. I know that sounds incredibly normal but topped over with a few other complications of everyday life, it feels a bit like never moving forward.
Though I find it difficult most days to cope with the situation of “it’s not enough”, I do find myself working harder and longer for the things that truly matter to me. I’ve never been one to stick with anything nor was I someone who had ample motivation to keep going. I could never find it in myself to be true to myself until I took a break from life, from the life I’d come to call my own but was really other people’s perception of what life should be. When I took that step back, I realized, amongst other things, that the reason for my lack of passion for my life was that it wasn’t my life. I was choosing to do things for other people rather than for myself.
The piece I’d recently created a video for is a bit of a testament to that and the series as a whole also.
Floral Elf Series was about exploration and trying something I’d never done before. It was about stepping out of my comfort zone not because someone told me to yet still somewhat related to it. I felt inadequate with the art I was producing and that it wasn’t the sort of art that impressed the people I was surrounding myself with. But I quickly realized I was ill-equipped for the project as I had never done digital painting before and I was out of practice with realism. During this journey with the four pieces, I realized that improving is what I wanted but not necessarily in this way.
I’m not out to become a painter like Leonardo DaVinci (though that would be pretty awesome) and certainly not out to create art to impress people.
I would love to improve, to become more skillful in mediums I enjoy and also with my basic art skills as well as to create art that inspires. It’s not about the perfect ratio or the jaw-dropping shading. It’s about evoking an emotion and inspiring someone else to pick up their favored medium to create something they enjoy.
I don’t think I would’ve come to terms with this self-truth if I hadn’t gone through this particular project.
And I am quite thankful for having gone through it. Learning more about myself is always enlightening and such a pleasure. When I look at myself in the mirror these days in comparison to two years ago, I feel pride more often than I do self-loathing. The fluctuating emotion of love and hate for myself is still imbalanced but in a good way. It’s no longer drowning me. That’s all I could really ask for.
Positivity. Self-love. … All that good stuff.