failing to launch

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Have you ever watched that one movie about some adult failing to get out of their parents’ roof? I haven’t but I totally relate. This week and last week, I failed to launch.

What I mean about this is, I basically failed at marketing myself to potential backers for the work that I do but also failing to just work for myself these two weeks.

I had an unfortunate technological problem last week that scared me into not using my computer until it had a proper rest. So rather than jumping into 1080p digital paintings, I went into cleaning up my art studio. Arguably, it’s just an art space that is situated in my small room. Granted that I have a bigger room than the average person. But also, I share this space with my brother during the times he needs it to draw and not edit videos. While before March, I also shared the space with one of my sisters. (Surprisingly, I shared this space with both older sisters for some months when we jumped the gun on making a YouTube channel together. Uhh it was fun and it turned out okay. Unfortunately, we collectively decided we weren’t meshing well on camera and discontinued the project. We do great off it though!)

The rest of the problem…

The rest of the problem came after I woke up for the first day of cleaning. Actually, I didn’t wake up. I had a difficult time getting up and doing work. I was in a slump I can’t pinpoint the reason to.

I attribute waking late as part of my depression. Therefore, I know that mentally, I am not in a good place. So, I tried to tackle cleaning my room as a physical representation of cleaning up the mess in my head. I think the real problem lies in the fact that I didn’t know what I was cleaning up.

I didn’t know what issue I was stressing about.

Until now. Maybe.

I think I was unknowingly stressing about launching my Patreon officially that I was basically self-sabotaging myself by being undeniably lazy or procrastinating on things that I would usually tackle quickly.

When I prepared to cancel and delay the launching of my Patreon page, suddenly I have this energy to schedule work again. I am writing this post as if I wasn’t in a block just hours ago. Or that I actually am preparing to do a digital drawing and possibly edit a video for the coming week. It’s amazing how commitment issues manifests itself in an individual. And something important as that is still holding me back from giving myself a break from the other stresses of being an adult. Ie, income.

I would love to not have this commitment fear.

It would be wonderful if I could give myself the chance to share more of my artwork without worrying whether it’ll provide for me or not because honestly, if you didn’t get it already I don’t really for money.

Yet, I should as it is a driving force for being able to create as opposed to struggling to create.

That said, I am still delaying the launch of my Patreon page for July 1. This doesn’t affect the freebie I have set up. Patrons of June and July will be receiving a coloring book PDF for their patronage! And I look forward to the content I will be producing for the backers.

Until then, please accept my sincerest apology for the lack of presence in my social medias/apps? accounts. I will be back when I am much better. Mentally. Hopefully, I will successfully launch this path to my journey.

But let’s not end there.

In the spirit of my le voyage, let me rephrase the title of my post.

Depression won those two weeks.